Kimberly Rice

(Adapted from Positive Intelligence™)
(#6 in a series of 10)

Give, give, give, that’s your default.

Showing up for your friends, even when it’s inconvenient.

Volunteering to ride shot gun on a big assignment though your plate is totally full.

Does this sound at all like you?

We continue to explore and describe the 10 Saboteurs that high jack our wellbeing and hold us back from experiencing as much joy and calm in our lives and yes, in our careers and relationships.

Today, we focus on The Pleaser as part of our Saboteur Spotlight.

How does this resonate with you?

To gain clarity into our Saboteurs, we are outlining each of the 10 Saboteurs which clutter our brains with negative self-talk and fill us with self-doubt, the inner critic and overall, stymie our productivity, relationships and wellbeing. 

The bright light/bottom line is that with guidance and practice, we can mitigate these destructive forces that we all have, inside our brains to improve our quality of life, relationships and overall wellbeing.

Some of the top characteristics of The Pleaser is to indirectly try to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others. Loses sight of own needs and becomes resentful as a result.

The Pleaser…
Has a strong need to be liked by people and attempts to earn it by helping, pleasing or flattering them.
Needs frequent reassurance by others about their acceptance and affection.
Is challenged to express own needs openly and directly.

“To be a good person, I should put the needs of others ahead of my own”.
“It bothers me when people don’t notice or care about what I have done for them”.
“If I don’t rescue people, who will”?

Expressing own needs directly feels selfish.
Worried that insisting on own needs may drive others away.
Resentful for being taken for granted but has difficulty expressing it.

Justification Lies
I don’t do this for myself.
I help others selflessly and don’t expect anything in return.
The world would be a better place if everyone did the same.

Impact on Self and Others
Can jeopardize taking care of one’s own needs including emotionally, physically or financially.
Can lead to resentment and burnout.
Others can develop dependence rather than learn to take care of themselves, and feel obligated, guilty, or manipulated.

Original Survival Function
The Pleaser tries to earn attention and acceptance through helping others. This is an indirect attempt to have one’s emotional needs met. It is fed by two original assumptions that are learned in childhood:

  1. I must put others’ needs ahead of my own.
  2. I must give love and affection to get any back. I must earn it and am not simply worthy of it.

The positive intelligence operating system informs us that the Pleaser is a liar and often engages in self-defeating behavior and thoughts.

Does this sound like you? Do the Pleaser’s struggles sound like yours? There IS a way to turn down the volume on the Pleaser’s saboteur voices inside your head. It’s a foundation of our Mental Fitness Bootcamp.

Want to learn more? DM for more info.

NEXT UP: The Restless …we’ll explore how this Saboteur wreaks havoc in our lives and the lies it tells.

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